An Old Memory
by randomgenius
Summary: Severus never forgave himself for letting Lily go.


Severus Snape sighed as he relaxed against the old, familiar tree. The forests of his childhood stretched out around him, ensconcing him in blessed solitude. He'd needed this, to get away, to disappear. He just couldn't stand this repulsive masquerade that had somehow become his life. He couldn't be Severus Snape, the Dark Lord's personal Potions Master, and especially not today.

Today was the day that Lily Evans became Lily Potter.

It was odd, how the _Potter_ no longer bothered him, so much as the _Lily_. He still hated the man, make no mistake, but… well, it was _Lily_. He'd never thought he'd say it, but how _much_ did he want to be James Potter right now! What a lucky man he was, to be the one to marry a person like Lily Evans. Severus envied him the chance.

It was really his own fault, though, that he wasn't the one up at that altar. He'd had his chance, dozens of chances, and he'd ruined them in his arrogance. He'd gone and thrown away the only light in his rapidly darkening world.

But that was just it, wasn't it? Lily was _light_, while he was _darkness_. Lily was beautiful, brilliant, and kind, while he was selfish, damaged, and reclusive. She was strong, while he was weak. She didn't deserve someone like him, someone who would only hold her back. He couldn't do that to her.

He couldn't even say he was sorry, because any hint of interaction with him would just paint a bigger target on her back. He was forced to stay away, letting her live a happy life, one without him. He owed her that much.

But it hurt. Merlin, did it hurt.

It hurt to see them, just how deeply they loved each other, and just how _well_ they fit together. It hurt to see what he might have had, if he'd tried a little bit _harder_, or been a little bit _better_. It hurt to watch her and know that it was _his_ fault, and he deserved every second of heartache.

The pain dulled after a while, though, settling into a dull throb that he could almost live with. Severus made due with what he had, and settled into the world he'd so foolishly chosen. He almost started living again.

And then Lily, his ridiculously optimistic Lily, had gone and _invited him _to_ her wedding_.

It was remarkable how a little white card could provoke such an enormous emotional backlash. His Occlumency shields flickered for the first time in a while, as hurt warred with mournful regret, formless rage clashed with deep, deep sorrow, and confusion danced cheerfully throughout the mayhem. _Why_ would she send this? They'd parted on _quite_ unfriendly terms, as he remembered, and the idea of James Potter inviting him to his wedding was laughable.

Severus didn't even pause to contemplate attending. A Death Eater, attending the marriage of a Light Auror to a Muggleborn? Especially _this_ particular Light Auror? He'd be dead six ways from Sunday before he so much as entered the room. Not to mention what the Death Eaters would do when they found out, both to him and the newly-weds.

Then there was the fact that this was the marriage of the love of his life to his childhood nemesis. That was also a pretty good deterrent.

However, Severus just couldn't bring himself to completely ignore it. This was _Lily_, after all. She was (had been) his best friend, and he knew that his absence would hurt, despite what he'd done. So, he compromised, and sent a gift.

It was just a small, red lily bud. The lily had been charmed to never wilt, and he'd performed a tricky little sequence so that it would unfurl, hover, and begin spinning when held in the palm of a hand. He'd made it as a present for her before… well, all of _that_. He remembered how he'd poured his heart into the project, spending countless hours in the library flipping through old Charms and Transfiguration texts, settling for nothing less than perfect. After all of _that_, he'd shoved it into a corner of his schoolbag, desperate to ignore the reminder of what he'd done.

Now, he pulled it back out, examining it. _How ironic_, he thought, _that something meant to represent the beginning of our relationship, would now represent the end_.

Severus quickly stopped that train of thought.

He sent it via owl to coincide with the time of the wedding, hoping that Lily would see it. That had been all he could bring himself to do; he had wanted to write a letter, but didn't know what to say. In the end, he jotted a single sentence down, wrapped it around the stem, and sent it off. From then on, he forced himself to let Lily go. He'd fallen too far, and he refused to pull Lily down with him. This was the closest to atonement he was ever going to reach.

But he still clung to his memories, those of a red-haired girl and a beautiful smile.

Later, Lily would indeed see Severus's present. She'd pull away from the chatter and energy of her friends as they gleefully went through the rest of the wedding gifts, and step outside. She would stay there for a while, smiling a sad little smile as the little lily bobbed through the air above her hand. James would come looking for her, and notice the tears silently tracking down her face. He'd wrap his arms around her, and ask her what was wrong. She'd shake her head, and he'd hold her as she cried.

In her pocket, there would be a note.

_I'm sorry_.

* * *

**Inspired by a little phrase I saw, "I'll love you like Snape loves Lily, if you love me like Remus loves Tonks. Unconditionally and forever."**

**Or something like that.**


End file.
